The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond

by Patricia Evans

Book Overview

This description may be from another edition of this product. In this fully expanded and updated third edition of the bestselling classic, you learn why verbal abuse is more widespread than ever, and how you can deal with it. You'll get more of the answers you...

Customer Reviews

So helpful

This book really helped me realize what I am really dealing with. I am so glad I bought this book!

Finally -- I'm not insane!

I didn't think I was a victim of verbal abuse, because two of the strongest elements were a desire for control on the part of the abuser, and dependency on the part of the victim. My husband is just as willing to concede control as to exercise it, and I am a very independent person who would frankly be just fine if he walked out tomorrow. I have chosen to stay in this marriage because of current circumstances with our children. However, I was in a situation where my spirit was dying day by day as a result of a defeating communication pattern in our marriage. Patricia Evans describes two "realities" in which partners enter into conversations, largely driven by cultural upbringing, that defined exactly what causes the communication problem between my husband and I. I was able to underline descriptions on almost every page that are exactly the conversations and resulting cognitive responses on my part that are causing my death of spirit. And she provides real coping responses to those situations as they arise that I could apply immediately. As other reviewers commented, I was just about to go on meds due to my inability to cope with my situation. I finally have my first practical tool to deal with the underlying cause - three counselors were unable to help us. Most significant is the realization that my husband and I are truly coming into conversations from two different worlds, that the situation is not my fault, and that I am not insane in perceiving what is happening as irrational - I can finally recognize what's happening and respond to it in a manner that maintains my dignity and self-worth. My situation is one that does not require immediate walking out. I don't know if we'll be able to save the marriage for the long-term, but I am better equipped to assess my situation on an ongoing basis. I couldn't be more thankful for this book.

A priceless tool for helping others

I am a pastor and discovered this book when I was counseling a parishioner who was in a terrible marriage. It changed her life; she left him, got divorced, moved to a new town, and is now remarried and, as she puts it, "The happiest I've ever been." I DO NOT find the book anti-male, as one reviewer suggests. I think it merely recognizes that the vast majority of abuse is male on female. One of the wonderful things about the book is that it includes a descriptive checklist: Is this, or this, or this, for example, true of your relationship. My experience is that many women in verbally abusive relationships don't know there's anything wrong happening. This book allows them to name a problem they've FELT but not had a name for. Since that first parishioner, I've given this book to innumerable women (and one man). The person has ALWAYS thanked me profusely, and told me, "It changed my life."

Finally, it all made sense!

After almost 15 years of being married to an "Anger Addict" (as described in the book), I went to my doctor begging for a prescription for Prozac. After careful and wise probing, she gave me the prescription, but also strongly suggested I read this book. I read it on Monday, I filed for divorce on Friday. Finally, after years of trying EVERYTHING I understood why I was exhausted, hopeless, and no closer to the solution than the day I got married. This book helped me realize: It wasn't all my fault. I could never be perfect enough to stop the verbal "rages". He would have to be willing to seek counseling/therapy in order for the verbal abuse to stop (which he consistently refused to do). And, most importantly, it let me know that the verbal abuse really was doing serious, long-term damage to me as a person. I always thought if he would just "hit me" then I could leave. I learned he'd been "hitting me" (so to speak) for years. If you even THINK you might be in a verbally abusive relationship (it's not always obvious when you're in the middle of it), I highly recommend you read this book. I finally have a peaceful, content life: due in part to the courage and understanding I gained from reading it. And I didn't have to use that Prozac prescription!

This book saved my sanity

I was in a relationship for 3 years that during the entire time, I was confused as to why I felt the way I did even though 'he' never did anything and I was 'just imagining things'. Well, my friends gave me this book and I was stunned. I thought verbal abuse was very obvious to the victim--like yelling or sarcastic remarks. Well it's not and unfortunately I experienced all forms of it in my relationship. It can be subtle abuse or outright. It can make you feel like you're insane. Normal conversation can erupt into the verbal abuser accusing you of meaning something you never meant, then he denies ever getting mad, you repeat what he first said and he denies ever saying and says you're just picking a fight, etc. If this has ever happened then read this book--it will save your sanity. I cannot begin to describe how helpful this book has been. Verbal abuse comes in many forms--and the abuser will always deny they did anything wrong and will blame you for everything. Don't be conned anymore by the abuser into putting up with their abuse because 'it's your problem and you need to work on yourself'. It's not true--they have the big problem, you need to recognize it, protect yourself, and if it's bad enough leave the relationship. There is an entire chapter on how to respond to the different forms of abuse. So if it's your mother you can finally stand up without giving in to the guilt. I have recommended this book to many, many people. I wish I had read this years ago so I would have never put up with what I did. If you can recognize it, you can stay away from it. This will expain what is going on with them--finally someone who explains what is happening! I think this should be required reading in highschool so everyone can stay clear from these people. Get it! Now